Nothing is Fair in Love and War
by MaraudingMuggle
Summary: AU Jily - James and Lily broke up after graduation and Lily joined the Order which James has no idea exists. Complete and utter sap with a healthy mix of explicit language and drama. Please R&R! Thanks! Disclaimer: I don't own characters or universe.


"Evans what the fuck is going on? Tell me what the fuck is happening right now." James was desperately grabbing at things around him to try and stem the blood flowing out of the stranger's abdomen. He finally settled for an antique pillow that his mother had used as a garnish for the couch and pressed it down against the pooling blood. James' eyes looked wildly back to Lily, "Evans!"

Lily was crumpled into herself, but standing, only about three feet from James, her arms wrapped protectively around her middle and tears were freely falling from her haunted eyes. She was shaking and moaning and her head moved from side to side as if she were denying that what was occurring in front of her were actually happening.

"Lily! _Fuck_! Tell me what's happening? What the fuck is going on?" James was swearing as he moved the pillow off to temporarily siphon the surrounding blood from the wound and get a better look at it. It was pretty clearly created from a slicing jinx and it was fucking _deep_. More expletives were muttered under James' breath and he roughly shoved the pillow back in place as he tried to formulate a plan.

"What happened to him? Evans I need you to tell me what the fuck happened so I can try and save him, okay? What happened!" James knew that his raising his voice wasn't improving matters, but honestly - it didn't seem like they were really making them worse either. So he yelled. And for Merlin's sake he should be damned allowed to because he didn't know what the fuck was going on. One minute, he's sitting in his kitchen with the evening prophet and the next, a shell shocked Lily Evans is tumbling out of the fireplace in his den with a half dead man in her arms. Hadn't spoken to the witch in over twelve months, but yet she still found a way to mess with his fucking head. Fuck.

James had transported the stranger to the couch and that led to where he was now: fumbling for a plan and way beyond screwed. Lily still hadn't spoken a helpful word. If his hands weren't otherwise occupied, he would have shaken her. Hard.

"EVANS!" James figured that getting anything out of her was not going to happen, so this yell was for his sanity. Like he assumed it would be, Lily's response was just more sobbing. James returned to his botched healing. He looked frantically around him trying to locate what he had done with his wand and found it lying half under the unconscious guy. Right. Okay - what was that spell that Remus had shown him last month when Sirius got hurt at the moon? Fuck!

" _Aestumo_!" James pressed the tip of his wand against the man's head and watched as several different parts of his body glowed a purplish color. James vanished the denim jeans that the guy was wearing and sent a quick thanks to Agrippa that the man seemed to prefer boxers over briefs and looked over the smorgasbord of disaster before him. He decided to start with something simple. James cast a quick sterilizing spell over the body before he touched his wand to the man's left leg. " _Brackium emendo!"_

Lily had moved on from standing in front of the fireplace and moved forward to stand at the man's feet. Taking this as a good sign, James tried once more to get something out of her. He tried to keep his voice level and calm,"Lily. Can you tell me what's going on? What happened to this guy? Who is he? What curses did they cast on him? Is there more damage that I can't see? Please. Oh fucking _Merlin,_ woman. I need something to go on here!"

Lily's head had stopped shaking from side to side, but her tears continued to fall as she kneeled down by the end of the couch and gently covered the man's still shoed foot with her hand. The second her hand made contact, the force behind Lily's woe increased tenfold and she started to half scream half sob, her body shaking with each gasp.

"No no no no no no no no.. Oh Doc, no no no. Oh God, oh God, oh God no. No no no. Doc…" James watched in a mixture of horror and awe as the strongest person he knew unraveled in front of him. What the fuck was even happening right now?

James drove his attention back to the real mess in front of him and started to use the little bit of healing magic that he did know. From what Lily's sobs had gotten him, he could assume that this guy's name was Doc. James pointed his wand over his shoulder and spat out, " _Accio_ dittany!" He was pretty sure that he had a whole first aid kit somewhere in the house, but it wasn't worth the risk to leave this guy's side to try and find it. Maybe when he got him stabilized.

James pulled away the pillow again, but this time he left it off of the guy's abdomen. James took the dittany and used the dropper top to apply it to the gash. The wound was fragily pulled closed by the potion and James resisted crying out in success in order to further address other injuries. Lily had tumbled into a ball next to the couch and was silently crying again. Trying to consider his options of what to do as he haphazardly tried to mend the guy's wounds, James silently thanked Morgana that Sirius Black was at times a petulant child who would not hesitate to break into James' Manor if his friend was a minute late for dinner.

"Lily! I NEED INFORMATION!" James' temper had blown it's gasket. He was generally a calm, level-headed guy, but in times of extreme distress or anger he could lose himself easily. The only time in his memory that he could recall this happening was when Sirius had crossed the line in sixth year.

This time James' yells seemed to shake Lily from her stupor and she was quick to scramble to her feet and run. Fight or flight, indeed. She was out of the doorway to the den when she ran into Sirius. His surprised yell flooded James' with relief and he started to scream for his friend.

"SIRIUS! GET IN HERE! I NEED HELP!" Sirius' loud footsteps were like sonic booms as they rushed into the room. His wand was raised at the ready, but it slackened when he reached the doorway.

"James? WHa-" Sirius tried to form coherent speech, but his mind was working slower than usual and he couldn't seem to make sense of anything around him.

James ignored his friend's shock and immediately started to ask questions, "Is Remus with you? Where did Lily go? Is Pete here? Help me!"

Sirius shook himself and threw off his jacket on his way to work at James' side, "REMUS!" His shout was met with a yelled response from their friend that he was on his way. "Pete isn't here. He canceled on drinks because his mom needed him. James - what's going on?"

"I don - I don't know. Oh fuck, what am I even doing? Lily!" James' yell for Lily was strangled and somewhat insecure. Knowing that he was no longer alone in all of this allowed James to better understand that there really was an almost dead man on his couch. "She just showed up here with this guy bleeding all over the fucking place."

Remus' voice carried into the room from the hallway. " _Lily?_ "

Sirius, whose hands were already covered in blood yelled over his shoulder, "Rem! Forget her! We need you!"

Remus was at James and Sirius' side in a second and after a second of confusion his wand was casting spells. Without looking at either one of the men, Remus spoke, "I'm assuming I'll get an explanation later. James do you have medical supplies?"

"I think so. I'm not sure," James ran one of his bloodied hands through his hair making pieces clump together.

"Go find one. Hurry," Remus' brow creased as he performed a more complicated healing spell. "I need blood replenishing potion."

James ran from the room and began to frantically search for the potion. He found some under the sink in the bathroom and ran it back to Remus in the den. Sirius was healing the more minor injuries on the man's body while Remus took care of the more complicated wounds. "James get me some towels and bandages. And find me Lily. I need more information." James didn't bother responding. He took off once more to the bathroom and grabbed the bandages and towels to drop off before going on the search for Lily.

* * *

It took time to find her as she was huddled on the floor of his parents old bedroom, but her sobbing had subsided. She was staring blankly at her dirtied up shoes and when James crouched in front of her and placed his hand on her knee cap her eyes became alert.

"James?" Her voice cracked when she spoke and James wondered if she had any injuries of her own that need to be taken care of. She look paler than normal, but maybe that was just from the shock she had clearly been in.

"Yeah… Lily, what's going on?"

At his question, Lily's eyes began to tear up. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have come here, but I just didn't know where to go and Doc and just everything and I just went where I thought of first and I know I shouldn't have and oh god. Oh god I'm so sorry." Her hands covered her face and she let out a long suffering moan that tempted James to wrap his arms around her, but he refused the action.

"It's fine. Look, Remus needs to know what happened to that guy. Can you please tell him?" James did his best to keep the slightly bitter accusation that coincided with 'that guy' from his voice, but he honestly didn't think that she even heard it in her state. She nodded her head and got up from the floor with his help. Her first few steps were wobbly, and James reminded himself to properly check her for injuries once Remus was done asking questions.

When they entered the room, Remus had completed his healing of the major visible injuries and was wrapping the bandages around the man's stomach. Sirius was levitating the body to make Remus' task easier. Seeing all of this before her, Lily let out a little whimper and let her eyes flutter shut in order to brace herself. Sirius gently lowered the man back onto the couch and walked out of the room to go wash the blood and dittany off of his skin. Remus wiped his hands on one of the towels James had brought him and turned to Lily.

Remus gave her a tender and understanding smile, but his tone was serious and to the point. "What happened Lily? What was he hit with? Are there any spells I should be casting on him for various internal injury?"

Lily shook her head no in response and then opened her mouth to elaborate, "It wasn't anything mental. Just slicing jinxes." She choked down a gag before asking, "Were you able to regrow his fingers?"

Remus awkwardly cleared his throat, "I did my best, but I'm not a professional healer. I don't know how well they'll work. We still need to get him Skelegrow. Sirius said he'd go out for some after he cleaned the blood off of his skin."

Despite the effort, Lily couldn't quite keep the hope and relief out of her voice, "So he'll be okay then?"

"I can't promise, but as far as I can conclude… Yes. Your boyfriend will be fine." Tears from relief flooded from her eyes and she walked to the couch to touch his hand.

"Thank you. Thank you all so much," Lily sniffled. She turned to look at them. Remus stood to her right and James stood to her left near the entrance to the room. Lily reached out to hug Remus and he embraced her like an older brother would a sister.

She turned to James and there was an awkward hesitation of her being unsure of touching him, so he coughed and asked a question before she could extend her arms. "Lily, are you okay? Injury-wise, I mean."

She let her arms drop limp to her sides from where they had risen a bit in preparation for a hug, and she thought for a moment. "I think I am, but I can't answer for sure. It was kind of hectic… I don't really um remember getting out. I might be?"

James' mouth morphed into a contemplative slant and he looked to Remus, "Would you mind checking her out?" He turned back to Lily, "I'll go find you clean clothes. Feel free to shower when Remus is done. He can show you to a bathroom if you don't remember where they are."

Lily nodded her thanks and just as James was heading out the door he turned to add one last thing, "I'll find some clean clothes for your boyfriend too."

For some odd reason, hearing James refer to the man on the couch prompted her to immediately shut the idea down. "He's not!" Her face flushed red and she made an effort to make her voice sound more casual, "Benjy - he's not my boyfriend. Just a friend."

"I thought his name was Doc?" James chose to reply with something that didn't directly respond to the boyfriend topic and kept his tone flat.

Lily was clearly affected by the name and she took a second to respond, "No. Doc - Caradoc Dearborn - he's a friend that um. Well he was taken. I can't really talk about it." James and Remus both nodded and Remus stepped forward to start examining Lily. James left the room without another word.

* * *

Remus found James in the kitchen with a kettle on the stovetop and a pile of clothes on the counter. He sat himself at the table and didn't speak for a moment. James was used to Remus' contemplative silences as they usually came out in times of panic and high stress. Without sound, James pulled out the chair across from his friend.

Remus stayed quiet for a little while longer and then he spoke a simple sentence that took James by surprise. He had been expecting something more meaningful than, "You should know you have blood all over your face."

"What?" James knew that he sounded a little stupid, but he asked anyway.

"In your hair and on your glasses too." Remus' elbows rested on the tabletop and he kept the pads of his fingers pressed against each other as if he was in prayer.

"Oh. Thanks?" James held his arms out in front of him, "I suppose it's on my hands, as well."

"Mmm," was the only response he drew from Remus. James stood up and grabbed the stack of clothes from the counter. "If you could take the kettle off when it's ready that would be great. Where should I leave these for Lily?"

"She's in the bathroom connected to the purple room." James nodded his thanks and started his walk up the grand staircase. His friends had been coming to his house for years and he always smiled when they referenced a room the way his family had. Living in a house with so many rooms, he and his parents had come up with nicknames for them over the years. The purple room had been one of his mother's favorites, and it was the room that she had set Lily up in when she stayed for the Easter holidays in their seventh year.

The room was large with purple walls and a white rug centered on the dark wood floor. There was a balcony with a view of the back gardens and one of the french doors were open to let a breeze into the room.

James left the pile of clothes on the bed and left the room as quickly as he could. Somehow, the air in the room smelled like his mom's favorite flower. Sirius had come back in the time that James was putting the clothes aside and he found him in the den that Benjy was in.

"How're you holding up?" Sirius didn't even turn to look at James as he dosed the guy with Skelegrow.

"Why wouldn't I be fine?" James asked, taking his wand out to try and charm some of the blood patches out of the upholstery.

Sirius turned to give James a once over and smacked the wand out of James' hand. "Hey!" James protested.

Sirius took an overly dramatic deep breath, "Sorry, Prongs. Thought you were going to kill him."

"What the fuck, Sirius?"

"Sorry, I've been listening to too much WWN."

"Sirius, get a fucking hold of yourself. I've spent the last hour and a half trying to save him. If I wanted him dead, I wouldn't have bothered trying to heal him!"

"And that's why you wouldn't be fine. See? You really knew the answer to your own question the whole time."

"I'm not in the mood for this shit, Padfoot," James grumbled and bent to pick up his fallen wand.

"All I'm saying is that your ex-girlfriend shows up with a half dead guy that she seems to really care about and you haven't even talked to her in a whole year. That's something that leaves a bloke not one hundred percent okay."

"Whatever. I'm fine."

"No. You're not," Sirius hesitated, trying to decide how sappy he wanted to let this get. "It's okay to not be, James."

James stopped rolling his wand between his hands and glared at Sirius, "It's pretty clear that I don't want to talk about this at all."

"And I think I'm making it pretty clear that you're going to have to. Don't make me call Remus up here," Sirius crossed his arms across his chest, the Skelegrow bottle long since finished with by the foot of the couch.

James aggressively ran his hand through his hair, his fingers catching on the dried blood clumps, "What do you want me to say to you, huh? That I'm pissed at her? That I'm pissed at myself? She just barged in here with a dying man like she had the right to just come back into my life. She apologized but that doesn't make it okay. I was doing fine without her! And she just comes back here to fuck me over again. She turned me down, Sirius. I thought that meant we were done. I was fine with us being done."

"Don't lie like that, James. It's not going to make things any easier," Sirius' hands had returned to dangling at his sides and he made a couple painful facial expressions as he tried to decide how to address the situation. "You weren't fine with things being done and you knew that they weren't done. You love her. At least some part of you always will. Yeah we don't really know for sure why she said no when you proposed, but her cutting things off like that - that didn't mean that you guys were done. There's a war going on out there, James and both of you love each other, even if she won't admit it. Use your house-sized head. You're a pureblood and she's a muggleborn. She wanted to keep you safe."

"So? So what does it matter how our blood is different? I told her that a million fucking times. She broke up with me, Padfoot. She turned me down when I got on one fucking knee. And if she really did wanted to keep me safe, why would she drag the deep shit that's she's pretty clearly involved in into my home? She doesn't care about me and my fucking safety. She's just using me. Again." James' arms flailed around as he ranted to Sirius, but a stony expression covered his face as he said that Lily was using him. The same expression that he adopted every time that he said that she never truly cared for him.

"Just admit that you still love her, James."

"Yeah because that's going to do a whole lot of fucking good. You sound like Remus."

"James. Admit it."

"Why does this matter so fucking much to you? It's not your business."

" _James_."

"No." James crossed his arms in a way that made him look like a petulant child and Sirius rubbed a calloused hand over his face.

"James, just fucking say it, will you?"

"I don't love someone that's clearly just using me." The robotic saying came out as it always did, immediate and lacking emotion.

"You know she's not using you, you stubborn piece of shit. Say that you love her! Face the fucking truth for once! Remus, Pete, and I let you go on for too long making up stories to convince yourself that your relationship with her was some lie. Like she needed you for protection or something. You know that that's bullshit. If any bird can take care of herself, it's Lily Evans. Admit that you love her!"

"FINE!" James roared, his face staining a deep red and his eyes wild. "I'm the fucking weak ass person that can't get over a girl who doesn't want him! I'm the asshole who still thinks about her everyday and wonders if she's alive! I'm the pathetic excuse for a man that was somewhat relieved to see her stumbling out of my fireplace because it was the first time in a _year_ \- she went a year without acknowledging me once - that I knew that she was alive for sure! So yes, Sirius, you fucking asshole, I love her!"

"Thank you," Sirius carefully avoided the bottle of Skelegrow on the floor and walked to pat James on the shoulder. "Now you can finally figure out your shit."

Sirius left James alone in the room and entered the hallway. He walked up to the spare bedroom that he had seen Lily's bright red hair sweep into and he pushed the cracked-open door all the way wide before closing it behind him.

Lily was leaned against the wall, tear tracks evident on her cheeks. Sirius looked her over and tried to dissipate the anger that had risen in him when he was screaming at James. "You all right, Red?"

Instead of speaking, Lily carefully nodded her head up and down. Sirius spoke again, "Remus checked you out? You're all healed?"

Her voice was small and Sirius was glad that his animagus form had granted him such good hearing. "He checked me out, but that doesn't mean I'm all healed, Sirius. You of all people should understand that."

"How badly did the mission go then? What happened to Doc?"

"We got captured, Sirius. I didn't think that we were going to make it out of there - I really didn't. Bellatrix just kept on using Benjy as a piece of meat. She just sliced piece after piece off of him and kept on taunting that I was next. Doc was in another room. I heard him screaming. I didn't want to leave him, but we had a chance to escape and I knew that it was our only chance… what am I going to tell Dumbledore? What am I going to tell Doc's family?"

Sirius took a deep breath before he pulled Lily into a hug. "You did the right thing. You and Fenwick - you had to get out of there. Ben would be dead without you right now. And Doc - he would've wanted you to survive. He knew the risks when he got into this gig. It's going to be okay, Red."

"Sirius, it's my fault if he dies. I left him with a sentence that will be worse than death," Lily lamented into Sirius' cotton shirt.

Sirius rubbed comforting circles on Lily's back and tucked her head under his chin. For as close as they had been when she and James were dating, he was even closer to her now. They were both initiated into the Order and had tried their best to keep tabs on one another. He knew that her real reasoning for breaking up with James had been to keep him out of the fight and he was thankful to her for trying to keep his brother safe.

Sirius held her for a while and tried to make the pain of seeing things that can't be unseen a little better. After she had started to feel a little better, she spoke into the fabric her face rested on, "You're a real dick, Sirius."

He let out one of his barking laughs, "I wondered when that would come up."

She pulled herself out of his arms and glared at him, "You pushed him to say it. That doesn't count. And you told me you supported me in not staying with him; you said you understood."

"I do understand, Lily," Sirius stated. "But one I understand above all is that the two of you are miserable without one another." Her silence pushed him to make another argument. "And he had a point, Lily. You did this to protect him, and you just brought him into strictly off limits business."

Lily spluttered a little, "Where else was I supposed to go? We haven't found a new headquarters yet!"

"I'm just saying that it seems like your reasons for not being together are growing lesser and lesser each day."

"You actually sound reasonable, Sirius." Lily said before muttering to herself, "I knew that I shouldn't have tried to make this much of an effect on you. Even James noticed it amidst all of his anger - he said you sounded like Remus."

Sirius chuckled and patted her head the way he knew she hated before adopting a somber expression. "Lily in the end I just want you two to be happy. This has been a miserable year for both of you. James has been killing himself trying to figure out where he went wrong with you. And you? You've been throwing yourself into that battlefield to fight a war that's within your heart. It's poetic as all shit, but you've got to stop fighting at some point. Your heart will always win out."

Lily nodded and let the frown she had been trying to mask slip back into place. She slapped Sirius across the arm one more time, "I still can't believe you did that! You knew I was listening, Sirius!"

"Exactly! I did it because you were listening! As much as he needed to face the truth, you needed to hear it."

"Fine. I needed to hear it," Lily grumbled.

Sirius got that twinkling look in his eyes that he always had when he was joking and he opened his mouth, "Lily honey, go get your fella. He's awaiting, now." Sirius tossed his hands up and shooed her forward. "Go get him, gurl! Go get your man!"

Lily took a deep breath and then shoved him, quickly escaping the room after she did.

* * *

Remus was still seated in the kitchen where James had left him when Lily came down. She sat down across from him where James had been seated before and helped herself to a cup of tea. Remus had his hands tented on the table and Lily wondered how he managed to look so much like Dumbledore by just mimicking a simple pose.

"Not that it's not wonderful to see you again, Lily, but why did you come here of all places?" Remus posed the question as though it was conversational, but Lily saw it for what it was - an interrogation.

"I knew this was a safe place, Remus. Thank you again for healing me. And healing Benjy," Lily sipped her tea and then a very scary thought entered her mind - did he put Veritaserum into the tea? She took a deep breath and set the cup down, pushing it slightly further away than necessary. Remus bumped the cup closer to her.

"You should keep on drinking that, Lily. Your body seems to have gone through a lot," he smiled at her, and Lily felt a pull in her heart to trust him, but her gut told her to remain alert. She heard the water shut off on the floor above her and made a mental note that James would be down soon.

"I'm okay, but thank you," she knew that she wasn't being very convincing, but she had little energy and her main focus right now was on making sure that she was safe.

"Lily. When I examined you, you seemed dehydrated. You should really drink something. Maybe water will be better? I can grab it for you." Remus had started to get up from his seat, but Lily shot upwards out of her spot as if cold water had been poured down her back. He looked at her with something akin to fear in his eyes. "Lily?"

"No, Remus. I'm quite all right. I… I'm just going to lay down for a bit." She was out of the room before he could reply and Remus sat with his mouth open, trying comprehend what had just happened.

Sirius filled her absence about a minute after she had fled. He pulled a glass from the cupboard and filled it with the tea.

"Sirius, does something seem off with Lily? She was down here not even a minute ago acting like I was about to poison her or something…" Remus trailed off, his eyes still on the doorway that Lily had sped out off.

"She's been through a lot today. You saw the state she was in when we arrived. I'm sure it's nothing personal, she just needs rest," Sirius suggested. He was about to take a sip from the tea, but stopped the cup an inch from his mouth, " _Did_ you poison the tea, Moony?"

"No! Of course not!" Remus looked extremely offended and Sirius laughed before taking a large gulp of tea.

"I was only kidding. Calm down," Sirius sat next to Remus and poured himself a little more tea.

"Something's going on, Sirius. Lily doesn't seem like herself. She… she seemed almost used to being treated. She didn't even flinch as I healed her wounds." Sirius shrugged in response, and Remus pushed the topic further. "She had scars, Sirius. Battle scars."

Sirius forced a laugh that was just a little too empty and took a quick sip of tea to try and cover his uneasiness. Remus studied him, "What?" Sirius asked.

"You know something. And don't try to deny it, Sirius Black. You've always been a horrible liar," Remus stared intensely at Sirius and leaned in to try and make his friend more uncomfortable.

"Oh that is _so_ not true! James is a terrible liar, not me!" Sirius defended.

"Sirius. What's going on?" Remus always had a knack for deadpan humor, but when he was being serious about something, his solemnity was something impressive. He didn't say anything else, just searched Sirius with his eyes for an answer.

"Stop that, would you?" Sirius snapped. Remus still stared at him.

A solid minute passed, "Remus. Stop." Still staring.

Sirius' knee started to bounce a little and he despised the guilt that swallowed him whole every time that he lied to his friends. "Remus. Stop. This isn't funny."

No reaction. He just continued to stare at Sirius. "What? Do you have a crush on me or something? Stop staring at me, Moony. Stop."

Remus continued to stare at Sirius without reacting. Sirius covered his face with his hands; when he peeked through his eyes, Remus was still staring. "Moony fucking stop it."

Sirius tried to make Remus equally uncomfortable by staring back at him, but it only made the attention that Remus was setting on him more unbearable. "Fuck it. Yes I know something."

Remus still didn't react, instead continuing to train his eyes on Sirius until he elaborated on the extent of his knowledge. Remus resituated himself in his seat - this could take all night.

* * *

James had gotten in the shower to remove the blood from his body, but he found it to be a wonderful reprieve from the anger that Sirius had risen in him. He had never liked anger as an emotion, much preferring happiness and a sense of calm. His parents had hardly ever raised their voices to him growing up, therefore causing him to find anger a wholly undesirable emotion.

He scrubbed the blood out of his hair a little harder than exactly necessary. He was still upset with the way that things had turned out, but right now it seemed that defeat was somehow winning over anger right now. He had been running from his true feelings on the entire Lily topic for a year and finally facing them felt far worse than he could have ever anticipated.

It was bad enough that he didn't have her and that she was always on his mind, but now Sirius had stripped away his last defense - his ability to hate her. James pressed his hands flat against the slick wall tiles of his shower and took a shuddering deep breath. He didn't cry often, but he always knew when he was going to. For so long he had put off shouldering the pain that Lily turning him down had caused him. He was so sure that she was going to say yes. It was the day after graduation and she was helping bring Sirius' stuff to his new flat when James had popped the question. The proposal hadn't gone according to plan in all possible ways. He had meant to ask her in a better way; when he wasn't covered in sweat from moving boxes. He had never been able to stop wondering if that had been a factor in her saying no.

And it wasn't like he stopped living his life because she said no. He hadn't. He started his internship at the Ministry for the experimental magic division and he was now a full time employee. His parents were sick so he started to care for them and when they passed on, he thought she might show, but she hadn't. But he kept on taking care of himself and his life. He hadn't lost every second of his life because of her. He hadn't wasted precious time that he had left with his parents. James had made the most of things.

But now, having to really face the pain that her leaving him had caused was like feeling himself crumble. He braced his arms against the wall and let himself cry. It felt like a weight was being lifted as he fell apart and he couldn't understand if overall the tears were granting him more or less pain.

He stayed in the shower for far longer than necessary, but he didn't care. His fingers and toes were wrinkled from the water and he wondered if this was what growing old would feel like for him - a crippling loneliness and watching himself get more wrinkled without an audience. James mentally slapped himself across the face for letting his thoughts go there. He pushed the bathroom door open and walked into his room. His towel hung around his waist and he took his time trying to find a comfortable pair of pajamas. James settled for plaid ties-tring pants and an old Gryffindor t-shirt. He was towel-drying his hair when Lily scrambled her way into his room.

"Lily what the hell?" James had dropped his towel in shock and he bent to pick it up. "What are you doing in here?"

"I don't really know. I just wanted to feel safe. Remus, he was asking me these questions. I just," Lily took a deep breath and seemed to make a quick decision. "Sorry."

She spun on her heel as soon as she blurted sorry and tried to make a dash for the doorway, something she was making a habit of. James stepped to block her path and he grabbed her shoulders. "Lily calm down. Remus isn't going to hurt you."

She nodded somewhat frantically and she spoke in a surprisingly calm manner, "Where's Sirius?"

"Sirius? What?"

"Yeah. I want him. Where'd he go?"

"James felt a wave of jealously wash over him, "I'll go get him for you," he bit out.

James turned to walk out and Lily grabbed for his wrist, "Thank you, James. Really."

He caught her eyes for a split second and he thought that maybe he saw the same pain in her eyes, but it was gone in a flash and he was left unsure. "Yeah."

He left the room and Lily looked around herself for the first time since they last dated. Back in their seventh year she had a look in his room when she stayed with his family. Even with such a short passing of time, his room had changed drastically. The pictures of him with his friends were still on his dresser, but they had been joined by some pictures of his parents. He had changed the quilt that she had made him to a new bed set of a more mature maroon. The Gryffindor banner that the Gryffindors had made him to support him in one of the many wins he had succeeded for the house that once hung proudly over his bed was folded up somewhere packed away. She couldn't help but notice the most blatant change. His school trunk that he had always left propped open to display the things that he felt most proudly of was locked up and packed neatly into the corner. Curiosity overtook sense and she withdrew her wand from her borrowed set of clothes. She cast an unlocking charm on the trunk and lifted the lid. Inside she found pictures of the two of them and letters that they had exchanged with one another. She was still leafing through the memorabilia when Sirius' voice interrupted her.

"As much as he tried to convince himself he hated you, he didn't have it in him to throw it all away."

Her hand was pressed to her chest, "Lord, Sirius, you scared the living daylights out of me."

"It's a marauder's duty." Sirius teased. "Prongs said you wanted me. I dearly hope it's not in a romantic way because I _will_ have to turn you down, Red."

Lily felt her temper beginning to flare, "I just wanted someone who understood. Clearly, I shouldn't have asked for you."

Sirius flicked his wand at the mess Lily had made of James' stuff and she watched it all file neatly back into place. "You should've asked for him, but he's lethally angry at the moment."

"Why?" Lily had an idea that she knew what he was angry about, but she asked anyway.

"Lily, you heard him before. You tore him to pieces that day. He never got a proper apology."

"I didn't think he wanted one. It didn't feel like it would be enough to make up for it," Lily stared resolutely at the bedspread.

"It's not even close to being enough, but it's a place to start," Sirius paused and gave her a once over. "I'm going to send him back up here. Tell him the truth, Lily. It's only fair seeing as you heard his."

"Thanks, Sirius."

"I should thank you, actually. You saved me from Remus' penetrating gaze." Sirius squeezed her hand on the way out, "Don't be upset if it doesn't go the way you hope it will. Everything will work out."

* * *

She sat on his bed to wait for him. Part of her felt weird about that because it brought back memories of waiting up for him to get back from quidditch practice or head duties when they were dating, but she let herself sit down anyway. She was exhausted from the day she had had, but she managed to stay awake until he returned.

"Now you want me? Lily Evans - the girl who thinks she can have it all," James quipped.

"I'm sorry, James," she held up a hand, "Don't stop me. I need to get through this. I know that I've been unfair and unbearable. I shouldn't have treated you the way I did. When you… proposed… I wanted to say yes. Marrying you would've made everything I wanted come true. I love you and you still are the only person I can ever see myself with, but I made a choice. We are in the midst of a terrible terrible war. I didn't want to endanger you and I didn't want to drag you into the trouble I bring. So I said no. I decided to keep you away from this as much as I could. I know that that wasn't my choice to make and that it probably hurt both of us more in the end, but I really thought I was doing what was right for both of us.

"So I joined up with the Order of the Phoenix. It's an undercover group that Dumbledore leads to try and undermine Voldemort and his plans. I tried to stay out of your life and not be selfish and go back to you, but then Sirius joined the Order. He's been a member for about five months now - since your parents passed on. And well, he wouldn't shut up about you. We kept on getting paired together for missions, but he wasn't able to do tonight's. He knows Benjy - the man on your couch. He knows Doc. We've been getting through this stuff together. And he kept on pushing me to contact you so when tonight went more horribly than I could ever imagine, I followed my heart and my instincts and they took me to where I felt safest. They took me to you."

James contemplated her words for a moment, "Screw you, Lily. You have no idea how angry I am at you right now. You had absolutely no right to make that kind of decision for me. You thought that you were protecting me? You hurt me far worse than any death eater ever could. You broke my heart. You left me. That is not protection. And I'm a grown wizard - I can damn well protect myself. I trusted you. I gave you my heart. You don't understand how much you've hurt me.

"You don't have to leave. You can stay for as long as you need. I just can't believe that you could have done something like this." James sunk his fingers into his hair and tugged.

"I love you," Lily whispered to him. She thought that he hadn't heard, but he looked at her with bloodshot eyes.

"I don't understand how you can when you did something like this."

"I know that you love me, James. Think about it. If you thought that you could keep me safe, wouldn't you have done everything in your power to make it happen?"

"I wouldn't have done it if I knew it would hurt you this much in the process."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Lily reached up and placed her hand on his cheek.

James' eyes fluttered shut and he leaned into her palm, "Why would you do this?"

"Because love is a wonderful and terrible thing." James opened his eyes and looked into hers. She had tears brimming in them and her voice was hardly audible. "I've missed you so much, James."

James reached his hand up to touch her cheek in the same manner that she touched his. His voice was quiet, "This doesn't make what you did okay, all right? I'm still upset."

"I know," the tears spilled over her eyelashes and James used both of his thumbs to brush them off of her cheeks. He pulled her into a hug and he placed his hand on the back of her head. She curled into him, her body a perfect fit for his own.

"I love you, Lily Evans."

"I love you, James Potter."


End file.
